i am not a good friend.

Somehow i believe that. Today i did stuff that made people who cared about me worry so much, and all i thought about is what i cared.

i do admit that i am selfish beyond belief, i am paranoid and i am a perfectionist. i care too much about the way people view me, and i can't take it if what they see is an imperfect image of me. Ironic side is, i know i am imperfect, thats why i always wanna portray the good side of myself to everyone, even the people who have known me since my teens and i end up screwing everything up.

i feel that everyone is judging me in the small head of mine.

so when people say the things they say or give their opinions, sometimes, i feel that it is a personal attack against me and i can't swallow it, making me feel very indignant. however, most of these times, they are just but harmless comments that had no name born on its arrow, not directed to anyone in particular, much less personal.

just now, someone handed me a mirror to make me see who i really was, and that everything was in my head. i saw what i saw in the mirror and i sure despise what i saw. it is not easy to see yourself for what you really are and wish your eyes were blurry or that everything is not for real.

alot of what i see is from alot of baggage everywhere, failed friendships, lost friendships... somehow you learn to build up a defense mechanism, even when there is no need for one. When something goes wrong, i run, i hide. i feel that the whole world has abandoned me, and i am all alone. in that instance, it seems, no one understands.

all i can say now, is jus that i still hope people won't see that side of me, and stop being my friends. those who have, and are still here, i am counting my blessings.

for everything that happened today... i can only say i am sorry that i am just still growing up and learning the worst about myself. thank you all for still caring and worrying... it means the world.

i guess this really means you can't put a tag on friendship, true friendship.