life, death and the many stages of life.

i have been so wrapped up in my own sorrows that i failed to see the people around me.
Someone really close is getting married and i am overjoyed. Its amazing how someone else's happiness can rub off u. i wanna help, be there through the whole process, despite my own pain.

bro hao's grandfather just passed. made me realise how fragile life is. heart hurts for him cos he has always been one of my best friends. always been there for me. i hope i can give him the support.

i so badly want someone to share my sorrows and my joy. i cant be playing anymore games, i just want someone to be there wholeheartedly. cos i know i will be able to be there for the rest of my life.

always.

I'm trying my best to move on. To forgive and forget...

It was a whirlwind of events over this long weekend. Tears and heartbreaks aplenty. Keep wondering if my heart can actually break anymore..... cos dunno if there's any of it left.

I saw things that i never wanted to see, in my whole life. I broke down on the spot. It hurts so much that its almost impossible to imagine. No words can really relay it.

I dunno what to think of it and there' s really nothing more to say.

It is weird how everything happened so fast. I finally got the talk i wanted from him. It was good. It is almost impossible for anyone else to understand how i can forgive him for what he has done, and everything he put me through, by just walking out. It amazed me too. I didn't think i could love him that much. I didn't know that i was capable of doing that. Even i underestimated how i felt.

There is closure. We know we want to be in each other's lives, and will always be, no matter what happens. We are best friends, and we will always be.
Corny but true that i can finally say, i wish that he can find his happiness and i hope i find mine.

Come what may.

To all my friends who knows what happened, you don't hafta understand why i did what i did, just know that i'm ok. Thanks for always standing by me, standing up for me, crying with me, and for all the love, hugs and words. I love you guys.

For now, i have found peace. I hope.

YESTERDAY was just great! It was shopping spree day, and revelled in the good company of HJ, my partner in crime at work. Yakking, guffawing and walking is our thing, and alot of fun, we had.

Things at work are not fantastic. Our team is slowly disintegrating and people are dashing out of the door, one after another. Sad huh. It was a great team and we work amazingly well together amidst the shouting and laughing at cold jokes. Fantastic rapport, that might never be found again.
Also, turns out that i will not be having anymore weekends from here on, cos i'll be doubling up as promoter for our mags at events, in Sg and MY.... *bleah* dreading it.

Anyway, i've been re-reading old novels, and now i'm into the Chronicles of Narnia. Amazing how this book stirs up your dormant imagination that you left behind since you left primary school. The wardrobe, the snow, the White witch, Aslan the lion.... the good old days.

Non stop hits at work..... so work hard, i will.

I truly believe that he has fallen into the Dark Side.

As u can guess, the Star Wars fever has got me. Managed to snag tickets to the premiere last night at Cine, though i got really crap seats (2nd row) and was straining neck the whole time. Argh, but cant complain cos its free.

Also, not too bad company, in the form of The Pan... who kept going on about how glam it was to get free tics to a premiere, and how he's so glad that he has a friend in the "media"... until he saw the seats. muahhaha. Bumped into CS at Burger King and ended up having dinner tog, chatting about love and life. Well, CS was a council mate back in JC days (as is The Pan) and he dated one of my dimsum sistas back then. Great guy, with no time for anything else besides work... what can i say man...

Also almost had a heart attack yest, when i found out one of my fave bloggers is going to lock her blog!! LOCK the blog? But why? Well, i happen to be a closet fan of hers, seeing how optimistic she is towards life, and its always great to know that someone else is happy out there. At least, in the words of HJ, "we can live vicariously through her life."

Destroy the Sith, we must.

This is what Brad Pitt has to say of his split with Jennifer Aniston...

"There's a beauty in our coming together, there's a beauty in our time together, and there's a beauty in this, for us," Pitt says. "I'm actually really proud of us. ... We've done it our way, and I love her for that. We've kept the love we have for each other."

I hope that there is beauty in our ending too....

I'm on a roller coaster. An emotional one. People who know me, know that i hate roller coasters. I prefer the stability of a rowboat on a serene lake.

Last night was a night of phonecalls.

It was one after another of calls from really unexpected peeps. Well, let's just say that news travel fast and bad news travel even faster.

1) Wake up call from Merly.
Its amazing what it did for me. My dear Merly basically told me off n woke me up from the illusion that i had about him.
"Go out with your friends, and don't ever think that you're out with them cos you broke up.You're out with them cos they are your friends. "
Thanks girly.... sorry u had to babysit me through all the crap. Kinda forgot that she is one year younger than me. *sheepish smile*

2) Weird call from Kel
Kelvin was my track junior back in the rv days. He was a great friend almost like a younger brother. He grew up and now looks 35. He called out of the blue and said he knew about what happened. It was weird but great how some friends never change and that they will always care for you. Thanks man..... its how these little sincere acts from my dearest friends make my day.

3) Nice call from Ah sen
Ah sen's just great. He was my knight in shining armour when he came and picked me up the day it happened. He has seen me through all my tears and mucus.... and he never left. I'm thankful and blessed for having such great pals.

Not to mention the incredulous amounts of time my friends and dear cousin have been spending with me just to keep my mind off stuff. Thanks.

It just sucks that HE could just walk out of my life, leaving me to clean up the mess, face the music and explain matters to everyone.

At least i have Star Wars preview tics to tide me through tonight..... :)

Love you all.........

the feeling of abandonment is stronger than ever.

I want to hate him but i can't. It sucks to realise that emotionally, i'm so weak.

crap.

It's my blog and i'll cry if i want to. Whine if i want to.

Well, crying i sure am. I think you would too if you had your heart ripped out and trampled on.

HE left. Walked out after 7 years of being together. It's been one month since it happened n its not till now that managed to crawl out of my shell to face the world.
Why he left? I would never know, i would never figure out. He wants his own space and time, and amidst wanting it, he forgot about all his promises to me. Promises of being together forever, growing old together and strolling hand in hand in the park were all thrown out of the window.

HE said, move on with your life, it's over. Its bloody 7 years, i can't just move on like it's nothing. HE said, you were a significant part of my life, but life goes on. Yar, he forgot that he was my life.
HE said, i need to close this chapter of my life. Yes, thanks for the confirmation that i am but a chapter in your life.
HE is damn cruel.


Well, i tried everything i possibly could. Be nice, give him space. Be pissed off. Be really understanding. Why bother. HE doesn't .HE hurt me so bad and never even bothered to look back. People and friends who know him, know that this is so unlike him. This is so out of character.
I know. If you guys are shocked. Can you imagine what its like for me.

I was in hell. The past few weeks were torture to me. Guys compartmentalize like crazy, and like he said, the chapter was just closed in an instant. I couldn't eat, couldn't work. I know its stupid and all........ but i can't help it. I say i'm ok, but truth is, i'm not....... and won't be in a long time.

I lost the love of my life.