Ok my blog must be really *yawn* boring these days..... cos i keep harping on some stuff and maybe you guys wonder where the real Xiao Cha Bor went. Well, shall leave all those aside and find myself again. It'll happen when you believe in it, as told by someone.

OK Entertainment News Updates first...just in case all of you cannot be bothered to read entertainment sites for these news. (actually i just wanna write them, so pardon the excuses)

News Flash 1
Kate Moss. Yes, you all know Kate Moss, Johnny "gorgeous" Depp's ex. Supermodel Moss somehow thinks that it is cool and fashionable to snort cocaine and got herself dropped from labels such as Burberry, Chanel and H & M. Sigh, freaking silly in my opinion.

News Flash 2
Ashton Kuchter aka Mr Punk'd, has reportedly married Demi Moore in a secret ceremony. However, some people are speculating that it is part of an elaborate Punk'd plan, the biggest one ever, to stun the media. Hehe, pretty cool if it were true. Well, let's see.

News Flash 3
Jodie Foster's new film, Flightplan is facing protests from flight attendants who are saying that it portrays them as unhelpful and uncaring. The Association of Flight Attendants are urging their members to boycott the film. Now i guess we know which film won't be on our in-flight movie list.

News Flash 4
Charlize Theron just received her star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. *clap clap* It's about time.

News Flash 5
Lindsay Lohan is set to bare all for her upcoming Vanity Fair shoot. Apparently, it was the cover girl's idea to pose naked, inspired by the latest Paris Hilton's topless pose with only her arms covering her breasts. Woah... Lindsay fans, watch out!

Ok... suddenly boss is back, so enough slacking.. more updates from me soon. =)

It's just human behaviour, isn't it?

Not having something around just intensifies the longing for it. Not having it around makes it more important and precious. Never fully appreciated it when it was around, only maybe now

Sometimes the smallest of acts, the littlest things in the world warms your heart and makes you happy.

A simple goodnight says so much.

Keeping the faith.

Yesterday was a day of mixed feelings.

It started out so horrid, really felt like i was being thrown back into depression. It was like the day he left and the empty feeling came back. Something i haven't felt in a long time... and all this was due to my own doing.

Won't go into long grandmother story, but everyone knows that a breakup is never one person's fault. Yes maybe he made a wrong decision, but i'm no saint either. Maybe i've come across as the "victim" cos he was the one who chose to leave, and made a mistake, but there are always 2 sides of the story. All i can say is that i hurt him bad too, hurt the person i love the most and that feeling really sucks. The way i am, no one would know, and the one person who has seen the worst side of me, has loved me well for 7 years. Right now, though i'm still doing it, still hurting him, he came back. It means alot and i never fully realised and appreciate it until i almost lost him again, for the second time.

I am not heaping all the blame on myself, nor am i letting the mistake he made be forgotten. I am accepting whatever has happened. I think that's the only way to move on, forward. I guess i can only re-learn, learn how to love, better than before. I'm not proud of the gf that i was and i am not proud of the person that i was, i am glad that i can still have a chance to do it all over again. This time, it's gonna be different.

I guess no one else can understand what goes on in our rship, for it is never the same as anyone else'. All i know is that it takes 2 hands to clap. If we're gonna make it work, then we're both gonna work at it, putting in effort that the rship deserves. This is what i am happy doing right now, cos anything beats losing the person you love the most, and realising that you're the one who made him leave in the first place. The road ahead is long and the journey might be arduous, but i guess right now, we both have the faith and we both see the future, so we'll keep working towards that. I guess there is still some light ahead, and the future is still possibly bright.

I'm still sorry i broke your heart.I hope one day i can fully mend your heart, and you can fully mend mine. When things get messy, we'll clean it up together and everything will be ok as long as we stick together.

for no reason, my mind is racing with thoughts. feeling very unsettled but with no particular reason at all. this is super weird.

I hafta blog about something i saw this morning.

Every morning, i would walk through the park just below my place to get to the bus stop. It is relaxing to just see the greenery around. Today i saw a little act that wowed me. There was this couple strolling in front of me, dressed in office wear, and probably on their way to work too. Along the path, there happens to be a tree with really really pretty white flowers blooming. Suddenly, the guy just stops and steps towards the tree and plucks a flower off one of the lower branches, before offering it to his girl.

I was just staring at that act and went "wow" to myself. It was an awww moment, but what struck me most is that such a simple act, showed so much. I am kind of a skeptic and i don't really believe in overtly romantic gestures, but this one was really sweet.

On a different note, this was something Ernie and I encountered on Sat while we were having dinner at Crystal Jade LMXLB.

There was this couple sitting beside us, who were about 50 plus, and they were there for a meal as well. However, throughout the whole dinner, the silence between them was deafening. Amidst our laughter and conversations, we couldn't help but realise that they didn't have much to say to each other and they were just eating silently most of the time. They didn't looked like they fought before this, they looked ok with each other, it was just awkward.

We felt really awkward for them too and it is kinda sad to have no words to say to each other. Suddenly we decided to make a pact that if we were to end up together, that this won't ever happen to us, that we will always share everything in our hearts and not just ignore each other's prescence. Well, at least one thing we both agreed was that when you are totally comfortable with each other, the silence is never deafening, it will always be an agreed silence, a totally comfortable one where no words are needed.

Sometimes, silence is golden too.

Ahhhh tired from partying from the last 2 nites. Next week's gonna be hell week at work so i guess its pretty much enjoy while you can.

Went to meet the pri sch gang on friday nite for Sakae Sushi, before heading down to Alley Bar for some huge slurpee-like Margharitas. Ooh they were fantastic but damn filling. Huge things. Activity of the day was food, food and more food. After sushi and drinks, we headed down to Newton for supper! haha just watching them eat was a whole lot of fun too.

the gang at Alley Bar

Spent yesterday with Ernie in town, doing what we do best, walking and talking all the way from Wheelock to PS and back again. I have no idea how we could just talk non-stop, and conversations just seem to flow so easily, it amazes me. We could just people watch and start laughing away at them or rolling our eyeballs and the other seems to get exactly what one wanted to say. We had silly conversations one second, and can't stop laughing and really reflective conversations the next, discussing about life and such. Well, contrary to popular belief, I realise i am very much of a THINKER... (yes, stop doubting you evil people) He seems to think i over-analyse stuff and i ponder alot about what-ifs, and what may happen even though no one seems to be able to tell. shit, maybe i should have majored in philo, and start wondering about existence, to be or not to be.

Through the millions of conversations, i felt that this stuck...

What is the biggest mistake of your life?

I know 23 years of existence may not exactly equate to LIFE now, but i guess its the journey so far. I thought long and hard and wondered if there was anything i did wrong in my life so far. I realised that there is no one stark mistake that stands out, cos everything i did, although sometimes may not be the best that i could have done, were done my way, leading to a consequence in my life. Everything happens for a reason and it shapes the way my life has turned out. I guess i wouldn't want to change anything in my life, yet. Maybe the closest thing i would call a mistake is to not know how to love well enough, and losing the love of my life. Maybe i could have been more patient, maybe i could have been more selfless, maybe i could have listened. The only thing i am glad for is that i could still do these things and all is not lost.

I am not going to change the person i am just for the person i love. I am me. But, i feel that with no compromise, nothing is gonna work out, and i am willing to compromise to the extent that i feel comfortable with. I guess, for love, everything is worth it. I just hope, FATE will stop toying around with us, and let us be, for now is the time we appreciate everything more than ever, having lost it once.

so, what is your biggest mistake of your life?

it's a busy busy day at work. finally time to stop and take a breather.

sometimes it is good that work is so hectic, and there is no time to think of anything else when you're busy. the thoughts start running through your mind only when you stop for a minute.

i think building a relationship back takes a whole lot of time, and hell lot of determination, strength & patience. each day is getting better, and future is looking brighter, bit by bit. conversations are flowing and hearts are opening day by day. sometimes when the willpower to hold on and the strength within wavers, the will to want to work things out, and the resolve to make things alright comes across stronger from him. This means alot to me and the fact that we want the same thing in the future, and the ability to see that future together, shows me that maybe i can start believing in "its meant to be" again.

it's gonna take a whole lot of believing, but i guess i am ready to stop doubting and try to believe with a pinch of salt, one step at a time.

everyday is a better day.

diving TiomanTIOMAN- Part Two

Here is a beauuutifuuul collage done by HJ for the trip. It's so nice that i hafta use it here. Kinda beeg but it pretty much sums up our trip. haha.




p/s: i know the previous post looks damn idiotic cos the pics are too big. But lazy tech-bimbo me can't really be bothered, as long as it is visible. haha=)

TIOMAN-- part one

Ok guys, this is gonna be a photo log from my dive trip to Tioman. There will be a few cool photos (only chose the glam ones) so enjoy!


the beautiful Sun Beach Resort!


the scuba shop


cool random pic of moi shadow and slippers...


tai tai wannabes!


sand on feet... what a luxury!


random shot of me looking out to sea...


HJ tries her best to look helpless...


huge ass ice kachang that is yummy!



me in the water....


see how dorky we look in our gear...


laurence (our goofy instructor) and us before dive 5.


act cute pic of the both of us...


what's a trip without some poseur pics? haha.

p/s: just realised that the weird bin beside me matches my shorts. Oh and check out the sign behind me that says: "Please leave valuables with reception when your rooms are left unattended"

pp/s: THERE IS NO RECEPTION!

overall, the trip was great. food was not too bad, diving was exciting and the company was fantastic. Couldnt ask for a better dive buddy than the original XCB. haha. Wonderful memories for our first trip together and hopefully, many more to come!

ok more pics coming up courtesy of HJ's cam, so stay tuned.

I'm back and got my PADI open water cert! (photos to come soon...)

It was hell of a trip and a great experience in all.

Most of all, it was good to come back and have someone waiting for you. The weekend break was good, and we had time to clear our minds. Still, gonna take things slow, but at least things are looking up.

Thanks for your words.

I don't want to miss a thing -- Aerosmith 

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing,
Watch you smile while you are sleeping,
While you're far away and dreaming,
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender,
I could stay lost in this moment forever,
When every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure,

 I don't wanna close my eyes,
I don't wanna fall asleep,
Cause I'd miss you babe,
And I don't wanna miss a thing,
Cause even when I dream of you,
The sweetest dream would never do,
I'd still miss you babe,
And I don't wanna miss a thing.

Lying close to you, 
feeling your heart beating,
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming,
Wondering if it's me you're seeing,
And then I kiss your eyes,
And thank God we're together,
I just wanna stay with you in this moment forever,
Forever and ever.

And I don't wanna miss one smile,
I don't wanna miss one kiss,
I just wanna be with you,
Right here with you, just like this,
Well I just wanna hold you close,
And feel your heart so close to mine,
And just stay here in this moment,
For all the rest of time
Yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah) yeah

Don't wanna close my eyes 
Don't wanna fall asleep, yeah 
I don't wanna miss a thing 

i'm leaving for Tioman tonight.

maybe now is not the best time to leave, when i'm needed the most. i can only put my faith in where it should be and hope that everything will be fine when i get back.

i'm excited but i hope i dont die underwater.

take care babe.

well... i wonder is this considered another phase of life? Another chapter in our book?

Now we see the beauty of it all, even in the most vicious and bitter of all verbal sparrings. As long as one person has the faith to hold on, it will give strength to the other. Everything will be fine as long as there are just two.

It's gonna be a tough ride from here on, but at least there is company. We'll make it through, or we'll die trying. Hang on.

In the name of going to TIOMAN for a cooool hip weekend, i decided to get myself a sexy brazilian name to match the occasion.

Your Sexy Brazilian Name is:

Alessandra Menezes

What's Your Sexy Brazilian Name?

me name is Alesssandra.... ooooo uber cool!

totally random post about myself....

Seven Things That Scare Me
Cats
Big-Ass Birds like Crows
Losing my loved ones
Being hurt again
Losing anyone of my senses, esp sight.
Riding a motorbike
Heights


Seven Things I Like The Most
Fried Chicken/ KFC
Coke
A great conversation
Just spending time with my fave person
Laughter
Being in love
Big Hugs


Seven Important Things in My Room
My Laptop aka Hangster
My phone
My lovely diamond earrings
Letters, photos, memorabilia from the past
Tor (my latest softtoy... yes damn freaking childish but havent got one in eons)
My stash of CDs/Mags
My bed


Seven Random Facts About Me
I can bend my finger backwards to touch the back of my palm (yes freaky i know!)
I enjoy sleeping alot... and i mean alot (which leads to the next point)
I get sleepy eyes very often
I am going for my diving trip this weekend!
I speak very loudly when i am excited (but don't we all?)
I have an inferiority complex (but i act all cool on the surface... shit now u all know.)
I am actually enjoying myself, writing about myself! (my goodness... what a self-absorbed bitch)


Seven Things I Plan To Do Before I Die
Learn how to surf
Get married
Travel around the world and visit my favourite places: Greece, Maldives, Paris etc
Meet Brad Pitt
Live overseas for awhile
Understand the meaning of true love
Appreciate life and its many ups and downs


Seven Things I Can Do
Play the piano
Kinda play tennis
Talk non-stop
Cry at the drop of the hat
Write (hopefully. it's my bloody career)
Read and eat at the same time
Read French (used to be able to speak... but kinda forgot... sob)


Seven Things I Can't Do
Cant't ride a bicycle
Can't drive (yet... muhahha)
Can't resist Shih Lin Chicken... or any other fried chicken for that matter
Can't end my meal with sweet stuff (yar hafta eat something after desserts...)
Can't draw or do anything arts and craft related
Can't sing for nuts
Can't lick my elbow


Seven Things I Say The Most
Hoi
Xiao
Shit
Wah lau
Dammit
Like (as in I'm like...)
Ok lor


Seven Celeb Crushes
Brad Pitt
Adam Brody
Adrien Brody
Josh Holloway
Edison Chen
Jamie Redknapp
Jeff Probst

maybe it was a blessing in disguise.

things have a way of working out.

now i hope it does.......

is it human nature to realise the importance of something only when you have lost it?

why didn't we treasure it when it was within grasp, and safely in our arms?

sometimes it's too late when you realise it, sometimes there might still be a sliver of chance. I'm tired of all the comparing and i never wanted it this way. I am my own person and i will always be. I don't hafta prove my love or my feelings for anyone in anyway. As long as i know its in my heart, nothing else matters.

The ways we love will always differ with the next person. Maybe i am tired, maybe i am not a fighter, maybe i am walking away cos i am weak. Some people may think i am giving him up with 2 hands. I don't know, i guess i am more of a coward. I'd rather let go now, then to lose him all over again. It's too painful and too tiring. I'm sorry i can't be the person who waits till the end of time, and fulfil all the promises i made.

I'm a LEO, and my ego's too huge for my own good. I cannot be in a rship like this. I wanna be special and treated the way i should be. So when the right time comes, i know my prince charming will too.

No one else should have to suffer for anything. Everyone should lead life the way they wanna, write whatever they want on their blogs, for it is theirs.

Thanks for a beautiful time today, and i will keep it close to my heart.

"If i had a million dollars, i would give it all away for one more day with her, like it used to be in the beginning"

Thanks for these words, for you know i would do the same for you. We'll see what fate has in store for us.

I like to rain on my own parade. I was happy, but yet i like to do things that hurt myself.

Right now, i made a decision, a really tough decision. It hurts like mad, but i'm so tired of second-guessing myself, wondering what's wrong with me, what i did wrong etc etc. I need to breathe. I need to do my own thing, be my own person for awhile. I may regret it sometime soon, or once i click "publish post", but right now, that's the only thing i know how to do.

Looks like i won't get to drink lemonade anytime soon. Lemon juice is fine for now, sour but still quenches thirst.

Life goes on.

Thank you for your words. Every single one of them.

Had a great day out with Ernie, Ans and his gf, Marilyn. Went to a really cool, funky cafe at Purvis St and the food was just WOW. It was really fun just hanging out with them and it does feel like the old days...

On a weirder note, I blame myself for having the weakest tear ducts in the entire history of mankind. My tears just fall at the drop of the hat and i just can't help it.
It doesn't necessarily mean i am sad when i tear. Sometimes i am pissed, sometimes i am frustrated, sometimes i am just feeling helpless and most of the time, i have no idea why. It is just my way of releasing my pent-up emotions and just a general feeling of helplessness. I know it is weak to cry, but somehow i just can't help it sometimes and it doesn't hafta be because of anything.

Actually all i ask for right now, is for a whole lot of inner strength. I need this strength to tide me through this period of uncertainty, and hopefully before i start to waver and lose it all. There are so many things to consider and it is not going to be any easier from here on, there will be more to face up to in the future. Let go of the past, for i am past it. Time will heal all wounds. I just hope with all my heart, that this someone will be willing to hold my hand through all this, walk towards the future bravely, without letting go of the grip.

Time to make sweet lemonade with the truckloads of lemons that were handed to me.

Suddenly, i realised that my life might come across as "happening" to some, cos i go out and party so much.

Trust me, it's not.

I go out so often cos i am very afraid of being alone and being lonely (diff connotations). Sometimes, being at home too much, i will start dwelling on the sad stuff and fall into depression. For now, i think i might actually be ok staying at home for awhile, cos i know even though i am physically alone, i don't think i am lonely, in my heart.

But, i am still scared that it will all come back again. Terrified.

Down and up again.

After weeks of excessive partying (almost a month!), reaching home in the wee hours of the morning, tucking in to prata at 3 am, going for more midnight movies than i've been to my entire life, meeting up with friends and cousins every single day, i am finally down. This energizer has finally ran out... Kena hit by the flu bug and was forced to stay home the whole weekend and yesterday, just to recuperate. I am feeling woozy. fluey, weak and cold all at once. Alamak. Doc says it's just a bout of throat infection, but well oh well, it sucks to be down.

Well, being down does have its own pros. For starters, i got a stern talking to from a certain someone, who asked me why i had to party so hard, to the extent of not being able to take care of myself? He made me promise to drink plenty of water, and see the doc etc etc. Ha. It's been awhile since i got a chiding from someone who cares. I know i am silly, that i actually love being reprimanded, but at least, there is someone there to scold you and you feel kinda important! Ha. (This psycho & neurotic side of me tends to appear when i realised that i am beginning to treasure the little things that i once took for granted.) I actually know how it feels like when no one cares if you're dying or not.
He got a little worried about my health and i whined away, hinting that i do actually need someone to take care of me, sometimes. He went a whole way round the bush and said that if i don't take care of myself, how can others take care of me? (before finally agreeing to take care of me and has been calling regularly to make sure i take my meds and water) =)

But, my spirits are up. I hafta be, at least. There are 2 parties this week, for our readers, and i am co-host for it, so my voice has gotta be back. Also, i am in the midst of my diving lessons! Hurrah! I am so excited, even though it's just good old boring theory lessons now, learning about bouyancy, BCDs, SPGs, yada yada yada.

So, it's not so bad being sick afterall, except....... i hate the taste of cough mixture!

It's been a while.

I realised that many people, having read my blog when i was really down and out, have been really concerned about how i am doing. I am really thankful to have these people in my life, just to spare a minute to think about me and actually ask me how i am doing.

Basically, i am a whole lot better than the wreck i was. Actually i am more than fine. I guess, we (me and him) really needed a break to realise how important we are to each other and we had to go through some tough times to really appreciate our relationship more. There seems to be a direction now, and i hope that we are inching our way to our destination together eventually. Maybe deep in my heart, i do seriously think and know that he is the one, and right now, i just hafta let everything go and accept him again. Whether i can do that, is anyone's guess.

I am really happy with how things are right now, and i feel that it really does take alot more to break a 7 year bond, than just a simple goodbye. Right now, i think, somehow, the bond will never be broken. Ever.

Thanks to all you guys who care. It means alot.