hahah changed the look of my blog...

LOVE IT.

A guy touched my heart today... his name is Daniel Bedingfield. Here's a snippet of his song... "If you're not the one"

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

‘Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
‘Cause I love you, whether it’s wrong or right
And though I can’t be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

Sometimes i make bad judgement calls. I am too impulsive for my own good. Sometimes i think that something to me, may be harmless and after going ahead with it, then i realise the repercussions, a harsh one at that.
Somethings just don't always appear the way you think it is, and i realised that last night.

Maybe not knowing, is a blessing. Maybe not knowing is actually a way of protecting oneself. I can still continue to think the way i want when i am too afraid of handling the truth.

Went for dinner at Coffee Club with my girlfriends, Addy and Cher. Somehow, all 3 of us were kinda lost. Lost in our own thoughts. It was fun catching up and just having them there, but being girls, we were all physically there but our hearts and minds drifted away. Still, always a pleasure.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh.

My horoscope is bullshit.... guess what the latest news is....

ANGELINA JOLIE IS PREGNANT.

No prizes for guessing who the father is.... damn u BRAD... u're an ass.

don't really believe in horoscopes, but just read it for fun...
Here's mine for the day:

Quickie:
Today your mind is hungry for new input ... you'll enjoy yourself, whatever you do.

Overview:
Someone helps you give an old point of view a good shove, and -- amazingly -- you don't feel sad at all as it falls by the wayside. Thank them for helping you make room for something shiny and new.

YEAH... sounds good eh.

I dunno how i am really feeling now, but things are peaceful. At least my emotions are. I realise i can't change how i feel, on purpose, so, going with the flow works for me, now.

I want to be your SOMEBODY.

Yesterday, i went for a photoshoot for my mag, and helped to oversee 2 sweet little girls transform into Princesses...It was great fun. To see girls smile and laugh with their hearts, their purity and innocence overwhelmed me. At the end of the shoot, the girls gave me huge hugs and we exchanged high fives too.

As i was leaving, Nicole, one of the girls asked me in her saccharine sweet voice, " Can you come over to my house to play? I live at *** number 51C, the left side, and my grandma stays on the right. You must come ah, cos i like you!" And then she continued about her whole family history and left me in chuckles.

Awwwww.... little girls just make you melt.

Well, at least tonight, i will have 2 other princesses with me for dinner and shopping! Hoping to use up what's left of my Zara vouchers. :)

" Those who love you will never judge you for what you've done and what happened."

I never will.

Met my dearest Ah Lian for dinner just now. What a blast we had, talking and reminiscing about love and life, about lost loves and lost friends.

Somehow we both realised that whatever we hoped and wished for back when we were young innocent girls of 13 has changed drastically. We used to believe in that one love for the rest of our lives. Life has it that maybe that's not up to us. I guess now, we both realised that maybe we will never be happy again, but we will be satisfied.

Well, talking and chatting away, i asked her this : Would you rather have someone that you have amazing chemistry with, that can make you immensely happy, yet bring you immense sadness OR someone that you might not feel as strongly for, but who loves you with all his heart?

eh... we ended up thinking of too many pros n cons... cant decide.

Quote of the day from Lian...
"We can control our actions, we can control our thoughts, but one thing we can't control, are our feelings."

well, life has been basically sucky and sometimes, it is a pain for you guys to keep reading about my crappy life. So on my way to happier posts... this is basically my life for today...

7 am--- alarm rang, but i was too sleepy. switched it off.

8 am--- finally woke up and realised dammit, gonna b late again.

8.30 am--- out of house, multi-tasking, smoothing out hair, messaging like mad.

9.07 am--- finally got my ass into the office. switched on comp and checked mail. Getting
swamped by a million things to do, but mind still drifts away, to somewhere else, to
someone else. Just something i had to do, so msged and asked what i wanted to
know, even when i have the answer in my heart already. Back to square one, and
continue working.

11.48 am--- Read a really nice page in my comics... something about best friends. Gonna make copy of it... sweet. brought a tear to my eye.

12.30 pm--- completed morning tasks and finally a breather. Turned around to look at empty
office cos beloved colleagues are out, sob. Hafta spend 4 tedious days alone.

12.31 pm --- think of what i am going to do after work... meeting my girlfriend, Lilian for
dinner. Looking forward to it.

Oh well.... thats half my day. Will continue later tonight to sum up my day.

I am trying to find the happiness in monotony, and not realise that at the end of the day, the heart is empty.

And if you find my post monotonous... you're about halfway there in understanding my life. haha. And, I HATE MONOTONY. I live for the drama..... i want a damn happening and meaningful life!

so, people, :) for you.

I guess somehow, i need to stand up on my own 2 feet. Maybe it is forced by circumstances, but i guess i have to learn how it is like to have no one to lean on for support.

Life is fucked up. It was already a mess to begin with and the way things are going... it ain't getting better.

Things just have a way of becoming worse as i try to stand up on my own...

3 months ago, when life was all rosy and cheery, who would have thunk that my life would take a turn for the worse and be what it is now...

Fate is a many splendoured thing, just like love.

I realised that i believe in Fate. I am beginning to let go and go with the flow of Fate. I believe that whatever is meant to happen, will happen.

My friend thinks that you can control your own Fate to a certain extent. I am not so sure about that. She thinks that you make your life and you have the reins. She believes that how we want things to work out is largely dependant on ourselves.

Well, i guess when some things don''t turn out the way we want them to, we can just as easily turn around and blame it all on Fate.

A song i just heard on the radio.... Tommy Page's Time

time will always heal the pain
bring the sun and dry the rain
we need time to solve and think our problems through
you told me time is always on my side
to turn the season changes the tide
things work out with time
if you want them too
why can't  time make me stop
loving you

Went out with my council mates for dinner at PS. Same old bunch who never fail to make me laugh. Everyone kinda knows about my situation.

I guess they have never seen me this way before. I was always the one making them laugh at stupid bimbotic comments i make and i was always good old pam ready for laugh, always talking non stop. They probably didn't know what it was like to see my upset. I tried not to let it show, to join in and laugh my heart out.

Some asked me how everything was going, some tried subtler ways to tell me that i could always ask them out if i needed company, and some just acted like everything was normal, so i could be normal. Great and sweet in their own little ways. Thanks guys.

I cry alot inside my heart and when i go to sleep. However i try not to cry in public for fear of appearing weak.
Talking to Pris in the afternoon made me realise that this bunch of friends have only seen me cry my heart out once before, and to them i was always cheerful Pam.

One of the major times i cried publicly in SA, was when the A level results were out. I received a phone call of bad news and tears just started flowing non stop. It wasnt about my own results, yet i was crying buckets for someone else.

The second time i cried publicly was when i saw what i shouldn't have seen. One sunday, in taka, in the middle of town. I couldn't stop crying and i bumped into Pris.

Well, some advice given was that i shouldn't cry anymore. Spilt milk and wasted tears. I guess that is true.

But, I cry because I love. The day i stop crying will be the day i stop loving.

This is something that my friend told me today. A memorable line indeed.

"seeing someone everyday does not naturally mean a more viable connection. sometimes all you have to do is open your eyes and look back at what you have left behind to know the severity of your loss."

Life's a bitch.

I've never been the smartest, richest, or prettiest girl around and i always complain about not being perfect enough. I always thought that there must be something i can do right, or something that is good in my life for me. How could i always be getting the shorter end of the stick all the time?

I searched high and low for my answer and i realised that the best thing that happened to me was my relationship.

God was fair in that way, to give me just the perfect relationship, and indeed, i was happy. It was the best thing in my life, for 7 years. I thought, that it doesn't matter now, i do not need to be the smartest, the richest or the prettiest girl around, i have love. Pure, real, sweet and whole-hearted love. It was easy being together, comfortable, warm and real. I didn't even have to be someone i wasn't.

Then, along the way, other people were dangled in front of me, within my reach, for me to walk away from what i have, to seek for greener pastures, but i always end up realising that, i like the way my pasture is, just the right shade of green. I do not need another shade. I have reached contentment and that is the key to happiness.

I realised that the simple things in life, are often taken for granted. Just to have someone to share your life with, to laugh with, to cry with, to whine to, to vent to....someone who knew you better than you knew yourself. It is almost impossible to find another someone who would do that with you, for the rest of your life. Thus i was always happy to have that in my life even if it is for awhile. I treasured it and for 7 years, it was everything to me.

To have that taken away from me, i realised, was the hardest thing in the world to accept. Imagine someone snatching your last penny from you. The one lucky penny that you treasured with all your heart.

Now, there is nothing. I am still not the richest, smartest or prettiest girl and now, even the most precious thing i have, has been taken away from me.

Tomorrow will be another day. How to get through that, i will try to figure out... but i will have to pick myself up from the floor and stop looking for that lost penny. When i stop looking, probably and hopefully, another penny will roll my way. It may be the same one, or not, but i think for now, i will be contented with any penny.

Contentment is still the key to happiness, so always treasure what you have before you lose it, once and for all.

If i had a wish right now, i would wish for emotional strength.

I would summon all that strength and put it into use. With that emotional strength, i would be able to seek happiness once again and get through this 'ordeal'

Then again, it is still an "if" after all.

So, converting that wish to physical strength. Going down to Cali tomorrow to finally sign up for the gym package that i have been procrastinating. Maybe if i work out enough and get a hot bod, i will have an additional strength to speak of. Muahahahhaha.

I am not made to be single.

I don't fear commitment, i fear extreme loneliness. The loneliness is overwhelming, in both ways, not having someone physically beside you, just to hold your hand, and the loneliness you feel when you heart is empty. I just don't think i have the emotional makeup of a single. I crave long walks on the beach and talks till the wee hours of the night. I miss cuddles and plans for the future. I am lost without it.

It was a whirlwind weekend and was too exhausted to blog.

Had our mag's first anniversary celebration at Heeren over the weekend. Gave out so many goodie bags and smiled till my cheeks were sore, not to mention jelly legs too. Response was great and that was kinda worth all the effort.

Bumped into alot of people when i was damn unglam, Charles (who was looking like a poseur David Beckham), my fave Addy (looking radiant and in love) and Melvin, (a dear pri & sec sch friend, n made plans to meet up for coffee, how sweet!) .

Bought another pair of Levi's... Square cut! Yeah... very happy with it. Can finally find something in Levi's that fits me!

At the end of the weekend, when i finally sat down and reflected on my new material acqusition (jeans), 2 days of wonderful company (HJ n Kate) , 2 days of nice meals ( Sakae, Thai Express n NYDC)...

i still end up feeling empty.

Is there a standard period of time that one must mourn a failed relationship before moving on? How long should it be before it is considered acceptable and not "cheating" on ur ex?

Well, i had just heard from a friend that his ex girlfriend has already "moved on" and they have just broke up barely 2 months ago. The girl is already thinking of marriage and he was shocked. He was the one that initiated the breakup so this turnabout of events is totally unexpected.

"It is not like i expect her to still hold a candle for me, but it has been barely 2 months!"

I was flabbergasted but didn't really know what to say as both parties are my friends. Fate plays a big part in everything and i guess it is kinda his loss for not appreciating her when she is around. I guess only time will tell.
But one thing was, she said for the first time she felt taken care of.

It is always a blessing to be loved by someone, so for those of u out there with that special person, hold on and don't let go.

Just heard Mariah Carey on the radio and kinda like her new song, "We belong together".

Some things just don't change. Mariah was my idol in my primary school days. I remember my primary school crush, who gave me her cassette cos i liked her so much. The album was "Music Box". Retro huh? He was an amazingly sweet guy, knows how to treat a girl even when we were only 12. haha.

When you left I lost a part of me
It's still so hard to believe
Come back baby, please
Cause we belong together

Who else am I gonna lean on
When times get rough
Who's gonna talk to me on the phone
Till the sun comes up
Who's gonna take your place
There ain't nobody better
Oh, baby baby, we belong together, baby

sometimes you are at a loss for words when you don't feel anything. Emotionless. It isn't like numbness, it is pain and you feel this really hollow feeling in your heart but you don't know what to make out of it.

sigh.

when will i ever get out of this rut?

Since i have been shamelessly pitching myself for an open relationship, i might as well share what i want to get out of my ideal relationship.

well, here goes...

1) TALK.
Yeah, i need someone i can really talk to and relate to. Well, u know how even though you are talking to a million people at the same time, all you really wanna do is to talk to that one special person and the others just don't matter anymore. Any single thing that happens, you just wanna share it with him... It's tough, finding someone you can really talk to.

2) LAUGH
I need a funny guy. He doesn't hafta be a Chris Rock or a Jimmy Fallon, but at least enough to crack me up at times and make me guffaw.

3) SILLY/MATURE
My guy has to be secure enough to be silly at times. Being able to reconnect with the child in him and being able to act silly with me is IMPT! Also, he must be mature enough to know what he wants in life.

4) HUGS
Hugs warm me and they are important to me. If a hug could speak, it would probably say "everything is gonna be alright" I am an absolute sucker for big bear hugs.

5) CRY
Weird but true. I like a man who cries. Not all the time, but when it matters. It shows that he is a feeling man. Well, another thing that i learnt from my failed rship is that i cry. Alot. I just don't want to be crying alone anymore. I wish there will be someone there for me when i cry. To cry alone, i think, is the saddest thing possible.


well... see, i'm not asking for much eh. Will add more into the list if i think of anything else.

"out of sight but hopefully not out of mind"

Someone asked me if there is such a thing as an open relationship? One with absolutely no strings attached and no commitment, just pure companionship?

Well, first of all, that will be a guy's dream come true. The freedom to see any girl, and every girl at the same time with no regards about what the future holds. It helps maximise their chances in finding Miss Right to settle down with. Some just aren't looking, they are just out to have fun, fun and more fun!

In my opinion, it is just the "safest" way to enter a relationship so that one can protect the most fragile and most delicate of their organs... the heart.

Without a doubt that there will be emotions involved even in the most open of all relationships, and there will be times where one party gives in more than the other even if both parties start out as 2 consenting adults. However, if one goes into it without any expectations and things turn out great, then it is an added bonus. If things are not right, then part amicably and still gain a friend! Voila, seems perfecto!

Suddenly it seems like i'm an advocate for open relationships, and boy, it is about time to start dating eh. So, no strings attached, open relationships, here i come.

p/s: my dear friends, now u know what to do... start being on the lookout for hunks for yours truly eh!

went for my cousin Jeanette's sweet 16 birthday party last night.
a tan family event never fails to bring a smile to my face. just seeing the amount of food that my family consumes, i hafta stifle my laughter and the I-told-you-sos even though everyone insists that they hafta cut down on oily food, cos the cholesterol levels are sky high...

and then i look around and observe all my aunts, each and every single one of them. they have been through so much, their pain is etched onto their faces and their hearts. Although things are going very well for all of them, i must say that they couldn't have gotten so far without COURAGE. it's about time they enjoyed life to the fullest with the people they love, smiling and joking all the way. my pain is too minute to even being placed in the same page as theirs....

just awhile ago, i went past my secondary school. realised that it has been pulled down. nothing much is left of it except the upper sec classroom blocks.

Gone, is the auditorium where i had my weekly track training.
Gone, is the field where i often peeked at guys playing soccer.
Gone, is the canteen which was the hippest place to be seen.
Gone, is the area outside the office where the Mcdonalds chairs n tables were reserved for detention kids.
Gone, is the love that was nurtured in this special place.

it is such an apt timing to pull down the place, cos alot of what was gained here, is now lost. i guess it is only right.

right now, only memories stay in the heart.

Isn't everything we do in life a way to be loved a little more?

Lost.

Watched the pilot episode on TV again last night. Looking back, i manage to catch the little nuances and expressions from the actors that seem to hint about plot secrets to come in the future episodes. Then, i realise and go "ahhhhh" in recognition.

It is almost the same deal as a relationship. When you are in it, you get caught up in all the action, the whirlwind romance, the passion, the squabbles, the stability. Thus, the saying, LOVE IS BLIND. Once you are out of the relationship, clarity sets in, and you begin to realise many of the things that were once in your "blindspot".

Now, the decision lies in whether you choose to make it part of your relationship, accept it and try to rectify it so that there may be a possibility of it ever working in the future OR you simply just walk away, realising that it may never work again.

Thus, i am still LOST.




A little snippet of research on what most people are going through:

Mood Disorder and Mood Swing Overview

Mood disorders are classified as a form of depression. Although most individuals may experience slight mood changes on a daily, weekly or monthly basis, the more advanced forms of mood disorders can develop into bipolar disorder (manic depression) and can have serious mental and physical consequences if left untreated.

Mood swings are characterized by periods, commonly referred to as episodes, of mania and depression. During an episode of mania, one may experience an abnormally elevated mood, irritability, decreased need for sleep, increased talking and racing thoughts. During episodes of depression, one may experience persistent sad and empty moods, loss of interest in activities, feelings of guilt, feelings of worthlessness and physical ailments such as headaches, chronic pain or digestive disorders.

Treating mood swings has an 80% to 90% success rate for those who seek help. However, only about one third (1/3) of individuals who have a mood disorder choose to seek treatment. As a result, over sixty percent of individuals who suffer from this potentially debilitating disorder never find relief.

Last night was a really weird night.

There was something very final about it. Like the fullstop that i never thought would ever come just presented itself when we said our goodbyes. We've said so many goodbyes before, that it seems to lose its meaning. What is a real goodbye? For now? For life? No doubt, my heart is still heavy and aching, but what does it all mean, where does this all lead to?

I want to stop feeling. That would be perfect, but somehow that state of mind eludes me.

Work is slow... but i'm glad i can leave at 5 for Holland V! Yeah... collecting some vouchers for my mag n maybe grab some mags n coffee.
Anything to distract me is good...

A long long long week.. cant wait for FRIDAY.....

"Could it be that i haven't found what i am looking for?"

''I've been in these tabloids for 14 years now. And at some point you just become a Zen master of it all.'' So says Brad Pitt

I have been out of my relationship for 1 month 2 weeks and 3 days now. I think i am becoming a Zen master too! NUMB.... almost totally.

if you were just thinking why this xiao cha bor keeps putting poems on her blog, allow me to say... i am still recuperating and i kinda think that they are really meaningful.

so, here is a quote i happen to identify with....... haha yesh, no more poems...

Love the heart that hurts you, but never hurt the heart that loves you. - Vipin Sharma

There are many ups and downs in my life, and i just hope that from here on, there will be more ups than downs.

I wanna be there for my friends, who need me to be strong, so i will.

So many thoughts yet so difficult to pen it down.

This is for someone really special to me:

In the years to come
Will you think about these moments that we shared
In the years to come
Are you gonna think it over
And how we lived each day with no regrets
Nothing lasts forever though we want it to
The road ahead holds different dreams for me and you

In a year from now
Maybe there'll be things we'll wish we'd never said
In a year from now
Maybe we'll see each other
Standing on the same street corner though it rains

Each and every end is always written in the stars
If only I could stop the world
I'd make this last

And when you need my arms to run into
I'll comfort you
Nothing will ever change the way I feel

Sometimes goodbye, though it hurts in your heart,
is the only way for destiny
Sometimes goodbye, though it hurts,
is the only way now for you and me
Though it's the hardest thing to say
I'll miss your love in every way
So say goodbye
But don't you cry
Because a true love never dies

A very good friend of mine shared this poem with me. Really meaningful and i guess it would help me get through it all.... as painful as it might be.

Thanks yingren, for your beautiful words...

Comes the Dawn
by Veronica A. Shoffstall

After a while, you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build all your roads
On today, because tomorrow's ground
Is too uncertain for plans, and futures have
A way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate
Your own soul instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth.
And you learn and learn...
With every goodbye you learn

Slow slow day at the office.

First time in awhile since i stepped out of the house sans makeup, and i am just dying for my face to recover so that i can go out and party up a storm.

I WANNA GO CLUBBING!

A new life.

I want a new life from here on. No more talks about crying and whining... i will grieve in my heart but my life will go on.

So, everyone, i am fine.

How is it possible that i am watching my favourite sitcom of all time, F.R.I.E.N.D.S and still be crying? It is something that i can't fathom.

Yesterday was alot of me-time. Me being alone at home, me watching TV alone (the whole season 5 of Friends), me just reflecting on life in general. I haven't really been alone for 7 long years, and it is a refreshing change. The loneliness is overwhelming and sometimes, all u need is a great big bear hug to tell u that everything is gonna be ok. When that big bear hug doesn't come, u just start compartmentalizing. Never thought i could do it, but i opened the tupperware, stuff all thoughts about him into one huge container and tucked it away. Once that was done, i functioned, normally. (at least i think i did)

At one point in time, i came across our book, the one we wrote our thoughts in for each other and it was filled with our joy, our laughter and our tears.... I realised and finally saw the cracks in our rship (cos i was finally reading it without crying). The surprising thing is i realised that i was the one who wanted out, most of the time. Since when did the balance of our rship change? My good pal, Marcus once told me that in a rship, there will always be ebbs n flows... there will never be a time where both parties are giving the same amount. So, how did things change from me being the one that wanted out of the rship, to me being the dumpee? Maybe things are easier for the dumper. At least, the control is with u.

Right before u hit the pillows at nite and waking up in the mornings are prob going to be the most painful of times.
Last night, i wanted a sign, i needed a sign. Any sign, just to let me know if that's the end of the road, or if there is still a sliver of hope. I waited for my phone to ring, a msg to come true, anything at all. Nope. Nought. None. I fell asleep with the phone in my hands.

and..... i had a dream.

It was a dream that i never expected (yar er, realising that i cant really control them).

He came back for me. But..... i finally realised that i can't be with him anymore, and i realised i didn't love him anymore. So i left him.

hmmm is that a sign or what?

Yesterday was a really rough day for me.

Didn't go to work cos my face was looking like a monkey's butt after the facial peel thingy... It was ah po's farewell party and i am really really sorry i couldn't join you guys at Settler's last night. Hope it was great... dim sum on monday yar?

Staying at home didn't help either. My mind was wandering, further away than it should. Thoughts just ran wild and i ended up doing stuff that the rational me would never do. Argh.

How tomorrow will be, i will never know... i am just living, day by day, minute by minute. Too afraid of what the future holds.

Taking on a new mag soon... so was reading up on it. Based on Tinkerbell of Peter Pan fame...

Tink still bears the scars of having her heart broken by Peter Pan and is stubbornly determined not to be hurt again. Since leaving Peter, Tinker Bell has devoted herself primarily to her tinkering. In the novel, Tink is quick to rebuff any advances from the kind and earnest sparrow man, Terence, but by the end of the Tink chapter book, the two have established a firm friendship.

hmmmm WTF? Hilarious eh.... i want my own "Terence" too.....

As u all can probably tell.... i am damn bloody distracted at work. Not good...not good at all...

Conversation of the day....

renhua says:
hahahaha

renhua says:
pam we're alike man

renhua says:
hopeless in love

pam==>bittersweet biatch says:
i think so too

pam==>bittersweet biatch says:
we are crap

Which Tree are you?

I am Cedar! (14-23 August)

Cedar Tree (Confidence) -- of rare strength, knows how to adapt,

likes unexpected presents, of good health, not in the least shy, tends to

look down on others, self-confident, a great speaker, determined, often

impatient, likes to impress others, has many talents, industrious,

healthy optimism, waits for the one true love, able to make quick

decisions.

There is a dull ache in my heart and i don't know when it will ever go away. Or will it?

Had a really screwed up day at work yesterday... yet i had no one to whine to. Argh.

Went for Bro Hao's Grandfather's Wake... and met his new girl! Not exactly the best place n time for introductions, but oh well. Boy, must i say he has good taste. Lucky him.

I look around and start to reflect on funerals. I'm not sure if i want to live that long. If life is just full of pain and suffering, what's the point. I always wonder about my own funeral. Who's gonna come and who's gonna cry? Mine would really be simple, so all u guys can just appear and feast on KFC and free flow of coke. The 2 best things in life. Hopefully i get to loop my favourite songs all night until everyone go crazy and decide that, thank god i'm dead.

Morbid thoughts, but here are some of the tracks i want at my funeral:

I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing---- Aerosmith
(weird, but poignant, considering that i'm gonna miss every damn thing now that i'm dead)

Blower's Daughter --- Damien Rice
(sweet and amazing. Keep a lookout on that coffin... "can't take my eyes off of you"...)

Angel --- Sarah Mclachlan

Champagne Supernova --- Oasis

A Love That Will Last --- Renee Olstead

Lonely --- Akon
(irritating for u guys but that's probably what i will be feeling then...)

Come Away With Me --- Norah Jones
(i hope my loved ones will... haha)

Imagine --- John Lennon

Never Forget --- Take That

The Most Beautiful Girl in the World --- Prince

Well, well.... death isn't so scary after all, if you actually got what u wanted from life.

Bittersweet.

Yes that was just the word i was looking for... that's what i am feeling now. No wonder i started drinking coffee.

Me & Coffee... go figure.

Actually there is nothing left to say, nothing left to do. All is out in the open and somehow, i'm glad. I'm relieved. Honesty and trust, that's what we always had. Thanks for the courage.

I have been so bogged down by all the drama, all the crying, the emotional twists and turns, i am actually beginning to enjoy the stability of having an empty heart.

The past few days were probably the best days i have had in a long while. Thanks.

I want my comfy old bedroom slippers back.